Today I am not okay. Right now I am angry, sad, very frustrated and out of hope. As of this moment I don’t know how to deal with infertility anymore. I don’t know how to be encouraging, and I don’t want to smile. My heart hurts…. it actually physically hurts! All I want to do is scream… and cry out in frustration.
God I don’t understand. I’ve seen so many couples have their prayers answered, so many pleas to You that have been heard. So I’m wondering right now if You are listening. Do You hear me God? Are You beside me? Have You forgotten about me?
I know the answers to those questions God, but right now I need to be reminded. Remind me God that Your there for me, remind me that You are carrying me, remind me of Your grace and love and hold me close.
Wipe the tears from my face and show me that there is more to life than this. Help me so that infertility does NOT define me, but rather let me be defined with what You did for me and how You have changed me.
Signed With Love, Your daughter.
My letter to God is raw and kind of ugly. I am not proud of myself for doubting this much and being… well lets just say the word jealous. Jealously has raised its ugly head all to often in the last while for my liking. I wish I could say that I don’t get jealous, or that I’m always happy for people right away when they tell me that they are expecting but I’m not. I am happy for them… but just incredibly sad for myself so it just takes me a bit to get over my sadness for myself and be happy for them. So hopefully everyone will be understanding if I don’t jump for joy with them right away. I pray that God will help me rejoice with mothers to be and that my faith will become stronger so that His love will shine. Your way God, let thine will be done.
Until next time… the learning to be Hopeful Wife.